I have struggled for a very long time with how to finally heal from my horrific near-death experience that was my pregnancy and the birth of my son, G, in early December 2007.
I am a therapist by profession, an optimist by nature, and a generally very happy and put-together person. But my experience seared through me and destroyed everything that I thought I was, and everything that I knew and loved about life, leaving me very depressed and very stuck about how to heal, how to become the best mom I can be, and how to find that love of life that used to define me.
I have spent the last 20 months doing the usual things you do after a traumatic experience - searching for answers, obsessing over event-related details, avoiding anything that reminds me of my experience, or pregnancy and birth in general. I have spent hours in therapy with my husband lamenting over the loss of our birth dream and all of the other invisible losses that have come along with it. (Thanks, Judy, for that phrase...) I have tried telling my story to friends and even strangers. I have tried multiple times to write my story, only to get caught up in medical jargon and sequential details that just don't seem to matter enough anymore. I would like to rewrite my story, but haven't figured out how to start. I have not been feeling my way through it, or letting myself be fully present with my emotions, despite the many times I have sobbed about it all. I have tried self-help ideas, like Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, that work for a while, until I am sucked back into my unhealed self. Admittedly, I am prone to ducking into dark corners sometimes, just to fully feel the pain of sad and difficult things. But I don't usually get stuck there. And that is what has been so disturbing and frustrating about the last 20 months of my life. I mean, I still have fun and enjoy life, and my son and husband. But I just haven't felt like "myself" in such a long time.
Tonight, I finally realize what I need to do. I need to do what I have always loved doing - connecting women to each other, sharing resources, and, most importantly, spreading a grand sense of inspiration, love and positive energy. The only way to fully heal myself is to give my energy to others with positive intention. It's always been that way for me, I just haven't figured out how to apply it to this situation without being horribly dark and depressive. So I will keep my HELLP Syndrome information and warnings to a minimum, though I will keep some basic information prominently listed on the sidebar. I just met a labor and delivery nurse who has never heard of HELLP, so that is inspiration enough to give HELLP a small plot of territory on this blog. It is, after all, how I came to this.
But I am moving on. Past the darkness and into the rising sun of inspiration that I feel while starting out on this virtual journey. Please come along!
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